Sunday, January 09, 2005

Wicked is right...

If you’ve got a girl with a fantastic body this is the only place to get her some swimwear…

Saturday, January 08, 2005

All sizzle no steak…

So I’ve been chasing this girl Jackie for a few years now, well… maybe chasing isn’t accurate, more like… hoping she falls and hits her head and starts digging me the way she did before she found out I was 15 yrs older than her is a little more accurate (I look younger than I am).

We were introduced a few years ago through mutual friends; it was at a Bat Mitzvah for a friend’s son Josh, she was a friend of Josh’s sister Donna. She was 20 and I was 35… Lets not rush to judgment – hear me out. Jackie happens to be from Quebec. So you could say she has European roots. Everyone knows that European dating etiquette is a lot different here in the US. Women dating older men isn't really a big deal, besides she’s very mature for her age, and most people would say I’m immature for my age, so it’s a great match!

Anyway, we all have a great time at the Bat Mitzvah and I’m talking to Jackie & Donna (much to the amusement of Ray & Marco), and we make plans for the three of us to go out. We end up at some big club the next night and we’re partying pretty hard, drinking & lots of dancing. Nothing happens between us but you could tell there was an attraction, we had our groove on. Its around 3 am, the three of us are pretty liquored up and tired from dancing, so we decide to call it a night. Donna heads home and Jackie & I head out for a slice of pizza. We’re sitting eating our pizza having a good time, when Jackie asks me how old I am… like a moron I tell her the truth, 35… I was helping her into a cab 2.5 minutes later.

Now in all seriousness it’s not that big of a deal – Jackie isn’t drop dead gorgeous, and she’s frig’n 5’2” for Christ sake! But she was a cute little thang and we’ve had some fun over the years… but sadly nothing has happened between us. We’ve hung out a bunch of times, enjoyed mother nature at the park, late night drinking & talking, and… well, lets just say she likes to use me as a sounding board re: her “relationships”. She likes to ask me stuff about… sex. One might even say she’s fucking (no pun intended) clueless when it comes to guys, so I’m her “stand in” of sorts. It doesn’t bother me much now (because it hasn’t happened in a long time), but it was excruciating at times. She’d call me up and ask about things she was doing… still a little too painful, anyway she’s older now and has a handle on those things, so we haven’t talked about that stuff in a while.

So fast-forward a few yr’s. I haven’t seen her in probably a yr or so. I send her a card for New Years. She replies back with the following email:

“whats shakin?? coming to NY any time soon? went to the bar / club at thursdays a while ago. thought of u.....”

The night she’s referring to was a night when she & I sat and talked for 4 – 5 hours, the kind of sitting & talking you do with a girl when you think you’re getting close to… well, not sitting & talking for 4 – 5 hours! Then there’s the damn five dots after “thought of you….. “ What’s that all about!? Ray & Marco were over my place when I got the emails, Ray didn’t think much of it, Marco thought it was a good sign, he likes to get me wound up over this – bastard.

Next email:

“What's ur number jake, we should chat.....”

Again with the damn dots - I mean c’mon!!! “we should chat”?!?!

There’s more:

“i wanna go to the sun. u interested?!”

I traveled the islands for a few yr’s, and she’s been there a couple of times – we talk about how much fun the islands are – and now she’s asking me if I’m “interested”!?!?

Now to me it looks a lot like she’s warming up to the whole idea of her & me, its been a few yr’s, she’s done with school, spent a semester in the UK, got dumped by a couple / few guys - she’s probably matured a lot and ready to step it up. Just look at the emails:

“thought of u.....”

“we should chat.....”

“u interested?!”

Those are buying signs.

In an email we decide on a time the following night to talk.

The conversation hadn’t entered into double digits in minutes before she asks me a about a guy she’s dating…

Time to get a new emotional spring board baby - Game over – You're all sizzle no steak.

Thursday, January 06, 2005

Bang, bang, bang...

this is quite possibly the funniest thing in the world!

Monday, January 03, 2005

“If You Ever Need To Reach Him In Antarctica”

PART ONE:

Just back from a New Years spent in Montreal. What a great city.

Ray, Marco & I have been going up for a few years now, probably close to a few dozen times at this point. It all started when Ray & Marco had gone for a bachelors party a few weeks before New Years ’00 - ’01. They had a great time so they decided to go for New Years as well. I was a last minute addition and met the two of them on a late flight to Montreal - Things haven’t really been the same for us since.

If you’ve been you have an idea of what we’re talking about; the most beautiful women in the world, fantastic nightlife, and great restaurants & shopping. If you’ve never been you should definitely make the trip – unless of course you wear ball caps on backwards to dinner and like to yell, “Yankees suck!!” for no apparent reason (other than you’ve had a few drinks), then you should probably stay home… please stay home.

There is an unwritten rule about Montreal, “What happens north of the border, stays north of the border”. I won’t go into too many details, but I’ll leave you with a few highlights, or lowlights (depending on how you look a it):


OVER PROMISE / UNDER DELIVER CATEGORY: Things you say in general or to a girl (in an attempt to impress her), but have not a snowballs chance in hell on delivering on:

RAY: “I’m marrying the first girl that’s nice to me!”

He said it about 25 times, usually right after he’s had a few minutes to reflect and think about the “shit show” of a girlfriend he has (ex girlfriend if you ask him).

MARCO: “Heres my satellite phone number, it works wherever I am on the planet.”

ME: “Yeah - If you ever need to reach him in Antarctica.”

Marco’s attempt to make something as simple as giving a girl his number a lot more interesting than it is.

ME: “Yeah I’ve been working out a lot, my ab’s are ripped”.

Me talking to a girl (on the phone) in Montreal that I’ve been chasing for a few years after she told me once that she thought guys with six pack ab’s were “very sexy” - I’m 25 pounds overweight.

ME: “I’m a widower.”

In response to a girl asking me why I haven’t dated in a while. A truly desperate attempt at the “puppy dog close” – it didn’t work (at least not yet!!). Marco thinks I’ve created some bad marriage Karma, C’mon!! Like having 7 years of bad luck after breaking a mirror?! I don’t believe in that crap (I’m crossing my fingers & toes right now)!!

There was a lot of coal shoveled into the furnace on The Train To Loser – Ville, and my back is sore (too bad I cant get one of those “sports massages” Marco was telling us about)…

Watch this space for Part Two…

Wednesday, December 22, 2004

Last Nights Dream...

Ray, Marco & I were having drinks on a dock, nowhere particular. When a twin-engine propeller plane streaks across the sky with flames and smoke billowing from one of the engines, it was clearly going to crash. I jumped up from my lounge chair and yelled to Ray and Marco “call the FAA!”

Why I yelled that I have no idea, other than the obvious… Anyway, as I ran to the end of the dock (towards a motorboat) I realized that the plane wasn’t going to crash in the water, but go further and hit the beach. I stopped and turned and ran towards where I thought the crash was going to be.

As I’m running to the crash site people are spilling out of a concert hall where a concert apparently just finished. As I’m making my way through the crowd an absolutely hot blonde chick grabs me and mistakes me for the lead singer of the band that had just played! She is thrilled and very happy to see me! As she is hugging & kissing me (among other things), we start to make our way back to… somewhere, I don’t know exactly where but we’re going somewhere. While she & I are walking we bump into some of her friends, then Marco shows up and one of her friends mistakes him for another band member! Needless to say she is also very happy (and hot) to see Marco so the four of us are heading back to… somewhere.

That’s it. Your Guess Is As Good As Mine...

Sunday, December 12, 2004

"Kid I'm on the Run..."

Sports Illustrated was throwing parties in all the major cities celebrating their 50th anniversary over the summer. I went with Ryan & Ray. It was an all day event, free food & booze, plus they had some pretty famous local athletes and sports columnists doing a Q & A session. Anyway - free booze & food creates a similar euphoria to us as say… someone winning the lottery (some more than others), so needless to say we were taking FULL advantage of the situation! We get there around 4 and the party started wrapping up around 9ish. We were pretty liquored up, and after watching Ray try and charm the spandex shorts off one of the marketing girls (to no avail), we decided to put her out of her misery and headed off to a bar down the street. We had a few more beers there and after another hour or so headed to a club called “Saint Christopher’s”.

It’s the type of place where mostly 30 – 40 something yr olds hang out, with a smattering of 25 yr olds looking for guys to buy them drinks probably. It’s not a place as hip as it tries to be – but I guess that’s more to do with the people than anything else.

At this point we’re all pretty drunk, its close to 11 and we’ve been drinking all day. Ryan and I are standing / leaning at the bar talking to some random people, when a girl tries to get to the bar behind me. Its crowded and she’s trying to squeeze between me and some dude behind me. The exchange is something like this:

Her: “can I get to the bar?”
Me: “sure go ahead”
Her: “I cant you’re in the way”

Now – I’m not gonna move for her, I got my little spot at the bar and I’m hanging with Ryan talking to some people. But she expects me to vacate my spot to allow her to get to the bar – when she could have easily squeezed between me and the guy next to me like a thousand other people had done all night!

Her: “move”
Me: “no”
Her: “you’re an asshole”
Me: “you’re a bitch”

She’s outraged and moves off to another spot. Ryan is oblivious to this little exchange. After a while I tell Ryan “I’m gonna walk around - be back in a bit”

I eventually make my way back to Ryan. As I’m approaching him I can see him waving me over.

“Kid, come here, someone I want you to meet.”

I make my way through the crowd… yupp its her. Place is packed and he has to chat up the biggest bitch in the place?

He introduces me to Lana and we fill him in on our little exchange earlier and we all kind of laugh it off. Then I’m introduced to Lana’s friend … not… good… mediocre looking and a large trunk. But I’m now the good wingman, and the four of us are having a grand ole time… I’m wishing I were dead.

Luckily it’s late and Saint Christopher’s is closing up. Ray checks in before he heads out for the night. The four of us are out front waiting on a cab. Ryan tells me we’re gonna share a cab with them, drop them off and then he and I are gonna head home to my place. Sounds good. We have been drinking for almost 11 hours - I’m absolutely shit faced at this point and ready to hit the hay. We get to the girls stop, but something happens that sends me in a panic… Ryan gets out with Lana!

Me: “kid where ya going?” (I’m on the verge of breaking out in a sweat)
Ryan: “I’ll call you tomorrow”

OK - I’m fucked!

The cab pulls away and I’m looking out the back window… “Fucking Bastard!” I’m thinking. It’s at this time that ’57 Chevy (no clue what her name is) starts running her hands up and down my leg.

Her: “You’re coming home with me”
Me: “Aah… Ok”

I have zero interest in her, I’m ABSOLUTELY shit faced. She says that she wants to take me home.

“Gonna treat you right”

She’s rubbing my leg & chest. Now I’m thinking I may have a shot of getting out. I’m 20 pounds overweight; can’t feel good to her… then I remember she’s PROBABLY 25 POUNDS OVERWIEGHT!!!

Her: “are you hungry?”
Me: “sure”
Her: “I know a great Chinese place near my apartment”
Me: “…”

We drive to the chinese place, its after 3am - its closed. Chevy says she has another place we can go – it too is closed.

Her: “one more place – I know it will be open”
Me: “…”

I got nothing left. We’ve been driving around for 20 minutes; I’m struggling to stay awake. All the while she’s been rubbing me saying shit like:

“I’m gonna take care of you”

“you’ll be ok – you’ll see”

God help me.

We pull up in front of a pizza place, its packed. People spilling out on the sidewalk, everyone I imagine is drunk getting his or her late night food fix. Chevy leaves saying she’s gonna get us a pizza.

“I’ll be right back”

I watch her as she walks inside. I’m sitting in the cab - 5 minutes, 10 minutes… I look into the pizza place, I can barely make her out, she’s trying push her way through the crowd with a pizza box held over her head. What happens next I’m not sure… but I’m tell the cabbie ‘I’ll be right back” I open the door, crouching I run to the back of the cab then bolt for an alleyway!

I’m like Brad Davis in Midnight Express after he kills the Turkish guard that was about to violate him; he grabs a guard’s uniform and makes his way outta the Turkish prison. After making his way past a jeep filled with guards he runs off into the distance a free man!



Now I’m the free man! I grab my cell phone and call Ray hoping to get picked up – voicemail. I leave him a message.

“Kid I’m on the run!”

I would make my way through the alley, a couple of time I saw cabs that I thought were her looking for me, she wasn’t…

By the time I hopped in a cab and made my way home I would call Ray a couple more times leaving the same message – “kid I’m on the run!” He saved the message and played it for a while…

Good times… good times.

Wednesday, December 08, 2004

All Aboard !!!!

OK its official; want to secure a spot on the train to loser-ville? Date a girl you work with. Have you ever had a friend that you get a long with really great? Everyone thinks your dating, or you should be dating? But you’re not? And you think to yourself that “yeah she’s/he’s great but for whatever reason I just know it wouldn’t work out…? Well that’s where Angie and I were, except that Angie was thinking different than me. She wanted to date me… biggest regret she has ever had - I’m sure of it.

Few things that you should know before I go any further.

· Angie is a great girl, she really is. She’s attractive, smart, great sense of humor and a lot of fun to be around.
· We had a great friendship for a few year’s (strictly platonic) before it all went soo terribly wrong.
· I had pledged to several of my friends on the train that I would never, ever date her (more on this later).
· If you could get insurance companies to insure your relationships, I would be red flagged and completely un-insurable – I wear it like a badge of honor

Angie and I had been friends for a few years and working at the same company for only a few months (I recruited her, monumental mistake). I had relocated to the same office she worked at about a year ago – and we “kicked” off our relationship at last year’s Christmas party… god help me. Now if you’re thinking this is your typical “hey I’m single and it’s the holidays I’m gonna hook up with my co-worker”… wrong. If you’re thinking (like me) more along the lines of “It’s the holidays and I think I’ll pretend to act like a normal person (only because you’ve temporarily forgot that you’re a relationship disaster waiting to happen), and hook up with my co worker, only to regret it dearly within 5 weeks time” … than you’re right on the money!

We were at a bar in Philly, it was the night of our company Christmas party. Angie and I were sober (only because we sat at the table with our company president and his wife – not ideal drinking conditions), meeting up with a couple of my fellow crewmembers here on the “Train To Loser-Ville”. Now here’s a incredibly important “Event Horizon” (a point in time when something happens that triggers a course of events that cant be altered – just cant be stopped).

I have to take you back to a conversation that I had with Marco on the phone a few months before this “Event Horizon”. I was talking to Marco (and I now remember this explicitly) and I said, “If I ever date Angie I want you to shoot me.” It was a charter I had given him - I told him that if I dated her it would be equivalent to committing emotional suicide (I was right). Now, because I was trying my best to act like a normal person, I had forgotten this conversation I had with Marco, does he remind me of it? No he doesn’t. Nor does my other crewmember in attendance Ray (who by this time as been made aware of Marcos charter to shoot me if I dated Angie). I tell them that Angie and I are heading out for a couple of drinks, sure they smirk & giggle, but neither of them pulls out the “pistol” and reminds me of Marcos charter… they just heap more coal in the furnace on the “Train To Loser-Ville”… I hadn’t seen them dump coal in the furnace like that since trying to make it to Iberville before the shift change (more on that another day) – full steam ahead!!!

So Angie and head out, have a few drinks and I open up the conversation… one thing leads to another… its 2am and we’re making out on her couch… Over the course of the next five weeks we spend a lot of time together (too much really), we have a good time, I commit a few relationship atrocities like brining her over to my sisters for dinner to meet my family (she does the same), and make plans with her in the spring to take a vacation. But as time goes on - slowly I start to come unraveled, pretty soon I’m realizing what I got myself into, and how I’m gonna get out.

The relationship runs out of steam in about 5 weeks, which in hindsight is pretty good for me. I’ve been in relationships where its taken months to get out, hell when I was in my twenties it took years… you never get that time back… hopefully as you get older you figure things out a little quicker than when you were just a kid. You make your choices sooner; you know what you want in a relationship and what your capabilities are to fulfill them. For this one it was pretty easy to know I couldn’t measure up pretty quickly, and I got out, but one thing you can never control is how the other person feels as a result.

Angies not going to the Christmas party this year, and she’s been aggressively looking for a new job... All in all I screwed it up pretty good. She walks by my office every day; I’d say lately she’ll acknowledge me 25% of the time. The conversations are few and far in between, when we do talk I always walk away feeling that I annoyed her. When she’s cold with a sweater on, I’m hot turning down the heat and vice a versa.

I can hear the whistle in the distance on the “Train To Loser-Ville”, its getting louder and Marco & Ray could use some help at the controls.

ALL ABOARD!!!