Wednesday, December 22, 2004

Last Nights Dream...

Ray, Marco & I were having drinks on a dock, nowhere particular. When a twin-engine propeller plane streaks across the sky with flames and smoke billowing from one of the engines, it was clearly going to crash. I jumped up from my lounge chair and yelled to Ray and Marco “call the FAA!”

Why I yelled that I have no idea, other than the obvious… Anyway, as I ran to the end of the dock (towards a motorboat) I realized that the plane wasn’t going to crash in the water, but go further and hit the beach. I stopped and turned and ran towards where I thought the crash was going to be.

As I’m running to the crash site people are spilling out of a concert hall where a concert apparently just finished. As I’m making my way through the crowd an absolutely hot blonde chick grabs me and mistakes me for the lead singer of the band that had just played! She is thrilled and very happy to see me! As she is hugging & kissing me (among other things), we start to make our way back to… somewhere, I don’t know exactly where but we’re going somewhere. While she & I are walking we bump into some of her friends, then Marco shows up and one of her friends mistakes him for another band member! Needless to say she is also very happy (and hot) to see Marco so the four of us are heading back to… somewhere.

That’s it. Your Guess Is As Good As Mine...

Sunday, December 12, 2004

"Kid I'm on the Run..."

Sports Illustrated was throwing parties in all the major cities celebrating their 50th anniversary over the summer. I went with Ryan & Ray. It was an all day event, free food & booze, plus they had some pretty famous local athletes and sports columnists doing a Q & A session. Anyway - free booze & food creates a similar euphoria to us as say… someone winning the lottery (some more than others), so needless to say we were taking FULL advantage of the situation! We get there around 4 and the party started wrapping up around 9ish. We were pretty liquored up, and after watching Ray try and charm the spandex shorts off one of the marketing girls (to no avail), we decided to put her out of her misery and headed off to a bar down the street. We had a few more beers there and after another hour or so headed to a club called “Saint Christopher’s”.

It’s the type of place where mostly 30 – 40 something yr olds hang out, with a smattering of 25 yr olds looking for guys to buy them drinks probably. It’s not a place as hip as it tries to be – but I guess that’s more to do with the people than anything else.

At this point we’re all pretty drunk, its close to 11 and we’ve been drinking all day. Ryan and I are standing / leaning at the bar talking to some random people, when a girl tries to get to the bar behind me. Its crowded and she’s trying to squeeze between me and some dude behind me. The exchange is something like this:

Her: “can I get to the bar?”
Me: “sure go ahead”
Her: “I cant you’re in the way”

Now – I’m not gonna move for her, I got my little spot at the bar and I’m hanging with Ryan talking to some people. But she expects me to vacate my spot to allow her to get to the bar – when she could have easily squeezed between me and the guy next to me like a thousand other people had done all night!

Her: “move”
Me: “no”
Her: “you’re an asshole”
Me: “you’re a bitch”

She’s outraged and moves off to another spot. Ryan is oblivious to this little exchange. After a while I tell Ryan “I’m gonna walk around - be back in a bit”

I eventually make my way back to Ryan. As I’m approaching him I can see him waving me over.

“Kid, come here, someone I want you to meet.”

I make my way through the crowd… yupp its her. Place is packed and he has to chat up the biggest bitch in the place?

He introduces me to Lana and we fill him in on our little exchange earlier and we all kind of laugh it off. Then I’m introduced to Lana’s friend … not… good… mediocre looking and a large trunk. But I’m now the good wingman, and the four of us are having a grand ole time… I’m wishing I were dead.

Luckily it’s late and Saint Christopher’s is closing up. Ray checks in before he heads out for the night. The four of us are out front waiting on a cab. Ryan tells me we’re gonna share a cab with them, drop them off and then he and I are gonna head home to my place. Sounds good. We have been drinking for almost 11 hours - I’m absolutely shit faced at this point and ready to hit the hay. We get to the girls stop, but something happens that sends me in a panic… Ryan gets out with Lana!

Me: “kid where ya going?” (I’m on the verge of breaking out in a sweat)
Ryan: “I’ll call you tomorrow”

OK - I’m fucked!

The cab pulls away and I’m looking out the back window… “Fucking Bastard!” I’m thinking. It’s at this time that ’57 Chevy (no clue what her name is) starts running her hands up and down my leg.

Her: “You’re coming home with me”
Me: “Aah… Ok”

I have zero interest in her, I’m ABSOLUTELY shit faced. She says that she wants to take me home.

“Gonna treat you right”

She’s rubbing my leg & chest. Now I’m thinking I may have a shot of getting out. I’m 20 pounds overweight; can’t feel good to her… then I remember she’s PROBABLY 25 POUNDS OVERWIEGHT!!!

Her: “are you hungry?”
Me: “sure”
Her: “I know a great Chinese place near my apartment”
Me: “…”

We drive to the chinese place, its after 3am - its closed. Chevy says she has another place we can go – it too is closed.

Her: “one more place – I know it will be open”
Me: “…”

I got nothing left. We’ve been driving around for 20 minutes; I’m struggling to stay awake. All the while she’s been rubbing me saying shit like:

“I’m gonna take care of you”

“you’ll be ok – you’ll see”

God help me.

We pull up in front of a pizza place, its packed. People spilling out on the sidewalk, everyone I imagine is drunk getting his or her late night food fix. Chevy leaves saying she’s gonna get us a pizza.

“I’ll be right back”

I watch her as she walks inside. I’m sitting in the cab - 5 minutes, 10 minutes… I look into the pizza place, I can barely make her out, she’s trying push her way through the crowd with a pizza box held over her head. What happens next I’m not sure… but I’m tell the cabbie ‘I’ll be right back” I open the door, crouching I run to the back of the cab then bolt for an alleyway!

I’m like Brad Davis in Midnight Express after he kills the Turkish guard that was about to violate him; he grabs a guard’s uniform and makes his way outta the Turkish prison. After making his way past a jeep filled with guards he runs off into the distance a free man!



Now I’m the free man! I grab my cell phone and call Ray hoping to get picked up – voicemail. I leave him a message.

“Kid I’m on the run!”

I would make my way through the alley, a couple of time I saw cabs that I thought were her looking for me, she wasn’t…

By the time I hopped in a cab and made my way home I would call Ray a couple more times leaving the same message – “kid I’m on the run!” He saved the message and played it for a while…

Good times… good times.

Wednesday, December 08, 2004

All Aboard !!!!

OK its official; want to secure a spot on the train to loser-ville? Date a girl you work with. Have you ever had a friend that you get a long with really great? Everyone thinks your dating, or you should be dating? But you’re not? And you think to yourself that “yeah she’s/he’s great but for whatever reason I just know it wouldn’t work out…? Well that’s where Angie and I were, except that Angie was thinking different than me. She wanted to date me… biggest regret she has ever had - I’m sure of it.

Few things that you should know before I go any further.

· Angie is a great girl, she really is. She’s attractive, smart, great sense of humor and a lot of fun to be around.
· We had a great friendship for a few year’s (strictly platonic) before it all went soo terribly wrong.
· I had pledged to several of my friends on the train that I would never, ever date her (more on this later).
· If you could get insurance companies to insure your relationships, I would be red flagged and completely un-insurable – I wear it like a badge of honor

Angie and I had been friends for a few years and working at the same company for only a few months (I recruited her, monumental mistake). I had relocated to the same office she worked at about a year ago – and we “kicked” off our relationship at last year’s Christmas party… god help me. Now if you’re thinking this is your typical “hey I’m single and it’s the holidays I’m gonna hook up with my co-worker”… wrong. If you’re thinking (like me) more along the lines of “It’s the holidays and I think I’ll pretend to act like a normal person (only because you’ve temporarily forgot that you’re a relationship disaster waiting to happen), and hook up with my co worker, only to regret it dearly within 5 weeks time” … than you’re right on the money!

We were at a bar in Philly, it was the night of our company Christmas party. Angie and I were sober (only because we sat at the table with our company president and his wife – not ideal drinking conditions), meeting up with a couple of my fellow crewmembers here on the “Train To Loser-Ville”. Now here’s a incredibly important “Event Horizon” (a point in time when something happens that triggers a course of events that cant be altered – just cant be stopped).

I have to take you back to a conversation that I had with Marco on the phone a few months before this “Event Horizon”. I was talking to Marco (and I now remember this explicitly) and I said, “If I ever date Angie I want you to shoot me.” It was a charter I had given him - I told him that if I dated her it would be equivalent to committing emotional suicide (I was right). Now, because I was trying my best to act like a normal person, I had forgotten this conversation I had with Marco, does he remind me of it? No he doesn’t. Nor does my other crewmember in attendance Ray (who by this time as been made aware of Marcos charter to shoot me if I dated Angie). I tell them that Angie and I are heading out for a couple of drinks, sure they smirk & giggle, but neither of them pulls out the “pistol” and reminds me of Marcos charter… they just heap more coal in the furnace on the “Train To Loser-Ville”… I hadn’t seen them dump coal in the furnace like that since trying to make it to Iberville before the shift change (more on that another day) – full steam ahead!!!

So Angie and head out, have a few drinks and I open up the conversation… one thing leads to another… its 2am and we’re making out on her couch… Over the course of the next five weeks we spend a lot of time together (too much really), we have a good time, I commit a few relationship atrocities like brining her over to my sisters for dinner to meet my family (she does the same), and make plans with her in the spring to take a vacation. But as time goes on - slowly I start to come unraveled, pretty soon I’m realizing what I got myself into, and how I’m gonna get out.

The relationship runs out of steam in about 5 weeks, which in hindsight is pretty good for me. I’ve been in relationships where its taken months to get out, hell when I was in my twenties it took years… you never get that time back… hopefully as you get older you figure things out a little quicker than when you were just a kid. You make your choices sooner; you know what you want in a relationship and what your capabilities are to fulfill them. For this one it was pretty easy to know I couldn’t measure up pretty quickly, and I got out, but one thing you can never control is how the other person feels as a result.

Angies not going to the Christmas party this year, and she’s been aggressively looking for a new job... All in all I screwed it up pretty good. She walks by my office every day; I’d say lately she’ll acknowledge me 25% of the time. The conversations are few and far in between, when we do talk I always walk away feeling that I annoyed her. When she’s cold with a sweater on, I’m hot turning down the heat and vice a versa.

I can hear the whistle in the distance on the “Train To Loser-Ville”, its getting louder and Marco & Ray could use some help at the controls.

ALL ABOARD!!!