Sunday, December 12, 2004

"Kid I'm on the Run..."

Sports Illustrated was throwing parties in all the major cities celebrating their 50th anniversary over the summer. I went with Ryan & Ray. It was an all day event, free food & booze, plus they had some pretty famous local athletes and sports columnists doing a Q & A session. Anyway - free booze & food creates a similar euphoria to us as say… someone winning the lottery (some more than others), so needless to say we were taking FULL advantage of the situation! We get there around 4 and the party started wrapping up around 9ish. We were pretty liquored up, and after watching Ray try and charm the spandex shorts off one of the marketing girls (to no avail), we decided to put her out of her misery and headed off to a bar down the street. We had a few more beers there and after another hour or so headed to a club called “Saint Christopher’s”.

It’s the type of place where mostly 30 – 40 something yr olds hang out, with a smattering of 25 yr olds looking for guys to buy them drinks probably. It’s not a place as hip as it tries to be – but I guess that’s more to do with the people than anything else.

At this point we’re all pretty drunk, its close to 11 and we’ve been drinking all day. Ryan and I are standing / leaning at the bar talking to some random people, when a girl tries to get to the bar behind me. Its crowded and she’s trying to squeeze between me and some dude behind me. The exchange is something like this:

Her: “can I get to the bar?”
Me: “sure go ahead”
Her: “I cant you’re in the way”

Now – I’m not gonna move for her, I got my little spot at the bar and I’m hanging with Ryan talking to some people. But she expects me to vacate my spot to allow her to get to the bar – when she could have easily squeezed between me and the guy next to me like a thousand other people had done all night!

Her: “move”
Me: “no”
Her: “you’re an asshole”
Me: “you’re a bitch”

She’s outraged and moves off to another spot. Ryan is oblivious to this little exchange. After a while I tell Ryan “I’m gonna walk around - be back in a bit”

I eventually make my way back to Ryan. As I’m approaching him I can see him waving me over.

“Kid, come here, someone I want you to meet.”

I make my way through the crowd… yupp its her. Place is packed and he has to chat up the biggest bitch in the place?

He introduces me to Lana and we fill him in on our little exchange earlier and we all kind of laugh it off. Then I’m introduced to Lana’s friend … not… good… mediocre looking and a large trunk. But I’m now the good wingman, and the four of us are having a grand ole time… I’m wishing I were dead.

Luckily it’s late and Saint Christopher’s is closing up. Ray checks in before he heads out for the night. The four of us are out front waiting on a cab. Ryan tells me we’re gonna share a cab with them, drop them off and then he and I are gonna head home to my place. Sounds good. We have been drinking for almost 11 hours - I’m absolutely shit faced at this point and ready to hit the hay. We get to the girls stop, but something happens that sends me in a panic… Ryan gets out with Lana!

Me: “kid where ya going?” (I’m on the verge of breaking out in a sweat)
Ryan: “I’ll call you tomorrow”

OK - I’m fucked!

The cab pulls away and I’m looking out the back window… “Fucking Bastard!” I’m thinking. It’s at this time that ’57 Chevy (no clue what her name is) starts running her hands up and down my leg.

Her: “You’re coming home with me”
Me: “Aah… Ok”

I have zero interest in her, I’m ABSOLUTELY shit faced. She says that she wants to take me home.

“Gonna treat you right”

She’s rubbing my leg & chest. Now I’m thinking I may have a shot of getting out. I’m 20 pounds overweight; can’t feel good to her… then I remember she’s PROBABLY 25 POUNDS OVERWIEGHT!!!

Her: “are you hungry?”
Me: “sure”
Her: “I know a great Chinese place near my apartment”
Me: “…”

We drive to the chinese place, its after 3am - its closed. Chevy says she has another place we can go – it too is closed.

Her: “one more place – I know it will be open”
Me: “…”

I got nothing left. We’ve been driving around for 20 minutes; I’m struggling to stay awake. All the while she’s been rubbing me saying shit like:

“I’m gonna take care of you”

“you’ll be ok – you’ll see”

God help me.

We pull up in front of a pizza place, its packed. People spilling out on the sidewalk, everyone I imagine is drunk getting his or her late night food fix. Chevy leaves saying she’s gonna get us a pizza.

“I’ll be right back”

I watch her as she walks inside. I’m sitting in the cab - 5 minutes, 10 minutes… I look into the pizza place, I can barely make her out, she’s trying push her way through the crowd with a pizza box held over her head. What happens next I’m not sure… but I’m tell the cabbie ‘I’ll be right back” I open the door, crouching I run to the back of the cab then bolt for an alleyway!

I’m like Brad Davis in Midnight Express after he kills the Turkish guard that was about to violate him; he grabs a guard’s uniform and makes his way outta the Turkish prison. After making his way past a jeep filled with guards he runs off into the distance a free man!



Now I’m the free man! I grab my cell phone and call Ray hoping to get picked up – voicemail. I leave him a message.

“Kid I’m on the run!”

I would make my way through the alley, a couple of time I saw cabs that I thought were her looking for me, she wasn’t…

By the time I hopped in a cab and made my way home I would call Ray a couple more times leaving the same message – “kid I’m on the run!” He saved the message and played it for a while…

Good times… good times.

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