Sunday, January 09, 2005

Wicked is right...

If you’ve got a girl with a fantastic body this is the only place to get her some swimwear…

Saturday, January 08, 2005

All sizzle no steak…

So I’ve been chasing this girl Jackie for a few years now, well… maybe chasing isn’t accurate, more like… hoping she falls and hits her head and starts digging me the way she did before she found out I was 15 yrs older than her is a little more accurate (I look younger than I am).

We were introduced a few years ago through mutual friends; it was at a Bat Mitzvah for a friend’s son Josh, she was a friend of Josh’s sister Donna. She was 20 and I was 35… Lets not rush to judgment – hear me out. Jackie happens to be from Quebec. So you could say she has European roots. Everyone knows that European dating etiquette is a lot different here in the US. Women dating older men isn't really a big deal, besides she’s very mature for her age, and most people would say I’m immature for my age, so it’s a great match!

Anyway, we all have a great time at the Bat Mitzvah and I’m talking to Jackie & Donna (much to the amusement of Ray & Marco), and we make plans for the three of us to go out. We end up at some big club the next night and we’re partying pretty hard, drinking & lots of dancing. Nothing happens between us but you could tell there was an attraction, we had our groove on. Its around 3 am, the three of us are pretty liquored up and tired from dancing, so we decide to call it a night. Donna heads home and Jackie & I head out for a slice of pizza. We’re sitting eating our pizza having a good time, when Jackie asks me how old I am… like a moron I tell her the truth, 35… I was helping her into a cab 2.5 minutes later.

Now in all seriousness it’s not that big of a deal – Jackie isn’t drop dead gorgeous, and she’s frig’n 5’2” for Christ sake! But she was a cute little thang and we’ve had some fun over the years… but sadly nothing has happened between us. We’ve hung out a bunch of times, enjoyed mother nature at the park, late night drinking & talking, and… well, lets just say she likes to use me as a sounding board re: her “relationships”. She likes to ask me stuff about… sex. One might even say she’s fucking (no pun intended) clueless when it comes to guys, so I’m her “stand in” of sorts. It doesn’t bother me much now (because it hasn’t happened in a long time), but it was excruciating at times. She’d call me up and ask about things she was doing… still a little too painful, anyway she’s older now and has a handle on those things, so we haven’t talked about that stuff in a while.

So fast-forward a few yr’s. I haven’t seen her in probably a yr or so. I send her a card for New Years. She replies back with the following email:

“whats shakin?? coming to NY any time soon? went to the bar / club at thursdays a while ago. thought of u.....”

The night she’s referring to was a night when she & I sat and talked for 4 – 5 hours, the kind of sitting & talking you do with a girl when you think you’re getting close to… well, not sitting & talking for 4 – 5 hours! Then there’s the damn five dots after “thought of you….. “ What’s that all about!? Ray & Marco were over my place when I got the emails, Ray didn’t think much of it, Marco thought it was a good sign, he likes to get me wound up over this – bastard.

Next email:

“What's ur number jake, we should chat.....”

Again with the damn dots - I mean c’mon!!! “we should chat”?!?!

There’s more:

“i wanna go to the sun. u interested?!”

I traveled the islands for a few yr’s, and she’s been there a couple of times – we talk about how much fun the islands are – and now she’s asking me if I’m “interested”!?!?

Now to me it looks a lot like she’s warming up to the whole idea of her & me, its been a few yr’s, she’s done with school, spent a semester in the UK, got dumped by a couple / few guys - she’s probably matured a lot and ready to step it up. Just look at the emails:

“thought of u.....”

“we should chat.....”

“u interested?!”

Those are buying signs.

In an email we decide on a time the following night to talk.

The conversation hadn’t entered into double digits in minutes before she asks me a about a guy she’s dating…

Time to get a new emotional spring board baby - Game over – You're all sizzle no steak.

Thursday, January 06, 2005

Bang, bang, bang...

this is quite possibly the funniest thing in the world!

Monday, January 03, 2005

“If You Ever Need To Reach Him In Antarctica”

PART ONE:

Just back from a New Years spent in Montreal. What a great city.

Ray, Marco & I have been going up for a few years now, probably close to a few dozen times at this point. It all started when Ray & Marco had gone for a bachelors party a few weeks before New Years ’00 - ’01. They had a great time so they decided to go for New Years as well. I was a last minute addition and met the two of them on a late flight to Montreal - Things haven’t really been the same for us since.

If you’ve been you have an idea of what we’re talking about; the most beautiful women in the world, fantastic nightlife, and great restaurants & shopping. If you’ve never been you should definitely make the trip – unless of course you wear ball caps on backwards to dinner and like to yell, “Yankees suck!!” for no apparent reason (other than you’ve had a few drinks), then you should probably stay home… please stay home.

There is an unwritten rule about Montreal, “What happens north of the border, stays north of the border”. I won’t go into too many details, but I’ll leave you with a few highlights, or lowlights (depending on how you look a it):


OVER PROMISE / UNDER DELIVER CATEGORY: Things you say in general or to a girl (in an attempt to impress her), but have not a snowballs chance in hell on delivering on:

RAY: “I’m marrying the first girl that’s nice to me!”

He said it about 25 times, usually right after he’s had a few minutes to reflect and think about the “shit show” of a girlfriend he has (ex girlfriend if you ask him).

MARCO: “Heres my satellite phone number, it works wherever I am on the planet.”

ME: “Yeah - If you ever need to reach him in Antarctica.”

Marco’s attempt to make something as simple as giving a girl his number a lot more interesting than it is.

ME: “Yeah I’ve been working out a lot, my ab’s are ripped”.

Me talking to a girl (on the phone) in Montreal that I’ve been chasing for a few years after she told me once that she thought guys with six pack ab’s were “very sexy” - I’m 25 pounds overweight.

ME: “I’m a widower.”

In response to a girl asking me why I haven’t dated in a while. A truly desperate attempt at the “puppy dog close” – it didn’t work (at least not yet!!). Marco thinks I’ve created some bad marriage Karma, C’mon!! Like having 7 years of bad luck after breaking a mirror?! I don’t believe in that crap (I’m crossing my fingers & toes right now)!!

There was a lot of coal shoveled into the furnace on The Train To Loser – Ville, and my back is sore (too bad I cant get one of those “sports massages” Marco was telling us about)…

Watch this space for Part Two…