Monday, January 03, 2005

“If You Ever Need To Reach Him In Antarctica”


Just back from a New Years spent in Montreal. What a great city.

Ray, Marco & I have been going up for a few years now, probably close to a few dozen times at this point. It all started when Ray & Marco had gone for a bachelors party a few weeks before New Years ’00 - ’01. They had a great time so they decided to go for New Years as well. I was a last minute addition and met the two of them on a late flight to Montreal - Things haven’t really been the same for us since.

If you’ve been you have an idea of what we’re talking about; the most beautiful women in the world, fantastic nightlife, and great restaurants & shopping. If you’ve never been you should definitely make the trip – unless of course you wear ball caps on backwards to dinner and like to yell, “Yankees suck!!” for no apparent reason (other than you’ve had a few drinks), then you should probably stay home… please stay home.

There is an unwritten rule about Montreal, “What happens north of the border, stays north of the border”. I won’t go into too many details, but I’ll leave you with a few highlights, or lowlights (depending on how you look a it):

OVER PROMISE / UNDER DELIVER CATEGORY: Things you say in general or to a girl (in an attempt to impress her), but have not a snowballs chance in hell on delivering on:

RAY: “I’m marrying the first girl that’s nice to me!”

He said it about 25 times, usually right after he’s had a few minutes to reflect and think about the “shit show” of a girlfriend he has (ex girlfriend if you ask him).

MARCO: “Heres my satellite phone number, it works wherever I am on the planet.”

ME: “Yeah - If you ever need to reach him in Antarctica.”

Marco’s attempt to make something as simple as giving a girl his number a lot more interesting than it is.

ME: “Yeah I’ve been working out a lot, my ab’s are ripped”.

Me talking to a girl (on the phone) in Montreal that I’ve been chasing for a few years after she told me once that she thought guys with six pack ab’s were “very sexy” - I’m 25 pounds overweight.

ME: “I’m a widower.”

In response to a girl asking me why I haven’t dated in a while. A truly desperate attempt at the “puppy dog close” – it didn’t work (at least not yet!!). Marco thinks I’ve created some bad marriage Karma, C’mon!! Like having 7 years of bad luck after breaking a mirror?! I don’t believe in that crap (I’m crossing my fingers & toes right now)!!

There was a lot of coal shoveled into the furnace on The Train To Loser – Ville, and my back is sore (too bad I cant get one of those “sports massages” Marco was telling us about)…

Watch this space for Part Two…


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